I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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