I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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