Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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