Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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