I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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