she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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