if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
