I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
