Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
