How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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