I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
