Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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