i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Randomize
