i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
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