Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
