had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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