the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
