he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
