Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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