Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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