happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
