theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
