i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
