He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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