just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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