i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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