I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
