But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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