i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
