Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
