I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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