i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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