So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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