i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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