hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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