last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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