We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
