He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
