I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
