she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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