Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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