I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
