Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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