Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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