@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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