Small penises have feelings too.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
