guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
