I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
