Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
