I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
