She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I still have a little drunk in my system
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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